It happens gradually. A parent is unwell, then absent, then in treatment, then away again. The
children stay with their grandparents “for now”. Two years later, the grandparents are the parents
in every practical sense — school admission, illness at night, homework, discipline, and the daily
question of what to tell the children about where their mother or father is.
They usually do this with no legal status, no additional income, and nobody asking how they are
managing.
This article covers practical arrangements only, and legal and welfare provisions in Nepal change.
Verify anything with legal or financial consequences with a lawyer, the ward office, or a local
child rights organisation before acting. [verify all legal, documentary and welfare provisions
before publishing]
The practical problems, in order of urgency
1. Documents
The most common obstacle, and the one that blocks everything else.
Children need birth registration to enrol in school and to obtain later documents. Where the parents
are absent, unwell, or unable to cooperate, grandparents frequently find themselves unable to
complete processes that require a parent’s presence or signature.
What to do:
- Establish what exists. Birth registration certificate, the parents’ citizenship certificates,
the marriage registration, school records. Collect and photograph everything. - Register the birth if it is not registered. Requirements and processes are handled through the
ward office; take advice on what is required where a parent is unavailable. - Ask the ward office directly about processes for children in the care of relatives. Ward
offices handle these situations regularly and staff can usually explain what is possible. - Seek help from a child rights organisation if you are blocked. Several organisations in Nepal
provide free legal support in exactly these circumstances.
Do not wait until admission season. These processes take weeks and school deadlines do not move.
2. Legal guardianship
Informal care works until something requires legal authority: a hospital consent form, a school
transfer, a bank account, a passport, or a dispute with the parent.
Formalising the arrangement — through whatever process applies in your situation — provides
certainty. It is worth taking legal advice specifically about:
- What authority you have to consent to medical treatment
- What is required for school enrolment and examinations
- What happens to the children’s property rights and inheritance
- What happens if the parent returns and demands the children
- What social protection or allowances the children may be eligible for
Get this advice early, while the situation is calm. Families frequently seek it during a crisis,
when options are narrower.
3. Money
Grandparents raising children are typically past working age, often without pension income, and
frequently supporting the parent in treatment as well.
Practical steps:
- Check eligibility for social security allowances for older people and for children, and for any
scholarship or support schemes at the school. Ask at the ward office. [verify current allowance
categories and amounts] - Ask the school about fee waivers or scholarships. Community schools and many institutional
schools have provisions; they are frequently not advertised. - Ask other relatives for specific, defined contributions — one relative pays school fees,
another buys uniforms. Specific requests are honoured far more often than general appeals. - Where the parent is earning, including abroad, establish a direct arrangement for the children’s
expenses rather than money passing through the parent.
4. School
Schools need to know something, and children in this situation are at risk of being quietly written
off.
Tell the class teacher. Not the details — that the child is living with grandparents due to family
illness. Teachers who know respond differently to a withdrawn or struggling child.
Ask about support. Many schools have a counsellor or a designated teacher. Ask what is available.
Watch for the signs of a child in trouble: falling grades, absence, withdrawal from friends,
aggression, or the reverse — a child who becomes conspicuously perfect and responsible.
Keep them in school through every disruption. School is the most stabilising structure available
to a child in a chaotic home situation. Interrupting it — even for a few weeks during a family
crisis — has effects that persist.
5. Health
- Immunisations — check the record and complete anything missed.
- Register the children with a local health post and ensure someone with authority can consent to
treatment. - Nutrition. Households under financial strain reduce food quality first. Watch growth and
energy. - Mental health. Children who have witnessed a parent’s addiction — including violence,
intoxication, arguments, and a parent’s absence — carry real psychological effects. Where
counselling is available, it is worth seeking. Many organisations in Nepal provide child
counselling free or at low cost.
What to tell the children
The hardest part, and the one where silence does the most damage.
Children already know something is wrong. They observe absence, arguments, tension, whispered
conversations. In the absence of an explanation, they construct one — and children almost always
construct explanations in which they are at fault.
Tell them the truth, at their level.
Under 7:
“Your father is unwell. There is an illness that makes people drink too much, and it makes them
behave in ways that are not really them. He is getting help from doctors. It is not because of
anything you did, and we love you very much.”
7 to 12:
“Your mother has an addiction. That means her body and mind have become dependent on alcohol, and
she cannot stop on her own even when she wants to. It is a real illness that doctors treat. It is
not your fault, and it does not mean she does not love you.”
Teenagers:
Closer to the full truth, including honest uncertainty:
“He is in treatment. Sometimes it works and people stay well; sometimes people have setbacks and
need more help. I do not know how it will go. What I do know is that you are staying here with us,
and that will not change.”
The three things every child needs to hear, repeatedly:
- It is not your fault.
- You are safe here and you are staying here.
- You can ask anything and I will tell you the truth.
What not to do:
- Do not lie (“he is working abroad”) if the child is likely to learn otherwise. Discovering a lie
damages trust in the one adult they are relying on. - Do not speak badly about the parent. The child loves them and hearing them condemned forces an
impossible loyalty conflict. - Do not use the child as a messenger or an informant.
- Do not make the child responsible for the parent’s feelings — “call him, it will cheer him up”.
Contact with the parent
Contact is usually good for the child, with conditions.
Reasonable conditions:
- The parent is not intoxicated
- Contact happens somewhere the child feels safe
- Another adult is present, at least initially
- Visits are predictable — a scheduled day, so the child is not waiting indefinitely
- Cancellations are explained honestly
A parent who repeatedly promises and does not appear does more damage than one who visits rarely.
If cancellations are frequent, stop announcing visits in advance and tell the child when the parent
actually arrives.
Where the parent is in treatment, ask the centre about visiting arrangements for children. Many
centres facilitate family sessions and supervised contact.
Where contact would put the child at risk, it is legitimate to restrict it. Take advice — from a
counsellor, a child rights organisation, or a lawyer — rather than deciding alone.
Looking after yourself
Grandparents in this situation are frequently exhausted, financially strained, and grieving both for
their child and for the retirement they expected.
The grief is real and rarely acknowledged. You are raising children while watching your own child
struggle, and both are losses.
Ask for specific help. Not “we are managing” — “can you take the children on Saturday
afternoons?” People help when the request is concrete.
Look after your own health. Medical appointments, medication, sleep. Children in your care depend
entirely on your health, which makes it the most important thing to protect.
Find someone to talk to. A family support group, a counsellor, a religious community, or one
friend who will listen without offering solutions.
Make a plan for the future. Uncomfortable and necessary: who cares for these children if you
cannot? Write it down and tell the person concerned. This is one of the most important things you can
do for the children’s security.
Frequently asked questions
Can I enrol my grandchild in school without the parents?
Usually possible, but requirements vary. Speak to the school and the ward office. A child rights
organisation can help if you are refused.
What if the parent returns and wants the children back?
This is a legal question with real consequences. Take advice before it happens, and keep records of
who has actually been caring for the children and paying for them.
Are there allowances for children in relatives’ care?
Provisions exist in various forms; eligibility and amounts change. Ask at the ward office and at the
school. [verify]
Should the children visit the parent in the treatment centre?
Often yes, if the centre supports it and the child wants to. Ask the centre — many have specific
arrangements for children’s visits.
How do I answer when neighbours ask?
One sentence: “Their parent is unwell and getting treatment; they are staying with us.” Repeat it
identically and change the subject.
Related: Siblings in the Shadow ·
Caregiver Burnout in Recovery Families
