Within three weeks of someone returning home from treatment, most Nepali families are having the
same arguments every night. Where were you. Why do you need money. Why are you home late. Who were
you with.
These arguments are not really about the answers. They are about the fact that nobody agreed, in
advance, what the rules are. A written family agreement — a recovery contract — settles them once,
in a calm conversation, instead of nightly at the door.
This is not a legal document. It is a shared, written understanding that everyone can point at when
memory and emotion disagree.
Why writing it down changes things
It removes the daily negotiation. Without a written rule, every request becomes a fresh argument
where the person in recovery is testing and the family is guessing.
It separates the rule from the relationship. “The agreement says handling cash is your brother’s
role for the first three months” is easier to say and easier to hear than “I do not trust you.”
It makes expectations visible in both directions. Most contracts fail because they contain only
obligations for the person in recovery. A good agreement also states what the family will do — and
will stop doing.
It gives everyone something to revise. A written document can be renegotiated at a set date.
Unwritten resentment cannot.
When to write it
Before discharge, if possible. Many treatment centres will facilitate this conversation as part
of family sessions, which is the ideal setting — a neutral space with someone experienced present.
In the first week home, if not. Do it early, while goodwill is high, rather than after the first
crisis.
Not during a conflict. An agreement drafted in the middle of an argument is a punishment, and it
will be treated as one.
With everyone in the room. Parents, spouse, adult siblings, and the person in recovery. An
agreement written about someone in their absence has no chance.
What goes in it
1. The shared goal
One or two lines, written first, that everyone agrees with. It sets the tone for everything below.
“Our shared goal is that Ramesh stays in recovery, rebuilds trust gradually, and returns to
full independence. Every rule below is temporary and exists to support that.”
The word temporary matters. Rules presented as permanent are resisted.
2. Non-negotiables
A short list — three to five items — that are conditions of living in the home. Keep it genuinely
short; a long list of absolutes is a list nobody follows.
Typical items:
- No substance use in the home or elsewhere
- No substances brought into the home
- Attending agreed aftercare sessions or counselling
- Taking prescribed medication as prescribed
- Being honest about a lapse rather than concealing it
3. Daily structure
Vague expectations produce conflict. Specifics do not.
- Wake and sleep times
- Which meals are eaten with the family
- Household responsibilities — named tasks, not “helping out”
- Expected hours at work, study or training
- When the person is expected home on ordinary days
4. Money
The most common source of conflict, and the subject of its own agreement in most families.
- Who holds cash and cards, and for how long
- How much money the person carries day to day
- What purchases require discussion
- How wages are handled if the person is working
- Existing debts: who they are owed to, and the repayment plan
- A review date for these arrangements
Be specific about the review date. Financial control with no end point reads as permanent
infantilisation, and it produces resentment that outlasts the recovery.
5. Contact and social life
- Which relationships are agreed to be high risk, named plainly
- Expectations about informing the family of plans
- Attendance at events where alcohol will be served — and the plan for those events
- Phone use, if it is a genuine issue, with a defined review date
6. What the family commits to
The half most families omit. Without it, the document is a set of conditions imposed on one person,
and it will be experienced that way.
Family commitments typically include:
- Not raising the past during arguments. Past incidents are discussed in the weekly check-in, not
deployed as ammunition at dinner. - Not searching belongings without cause, or agreeing openly that searches will happen and on
what basis. - Not discussing the person’s treatment with relatives and neighbours without permission.
- Removing alcohol from the home, and not drinking in front of the person in early recovery.
- Not making major decisions about the person without them present.
- Attending family sessions or a support group where one is available.
- Keeping the weekly check-in, even in weeks when everything seems fine.
7. The lapse plan
The section families most want to skip, and the most important one.
A lapse is not a moral event to be negotiated in panic at 11 p.m. It is a foreseeable risk with an
agreed response, written while everyone is calm.
“If a lapse happens, Ramesh will tell [named person] within 24 hours. We will contact
[counsellor/centre] the same week. Nobody will be shouted at or thrown out for telling the truth.
Concealing a lapse is treated more seriously than the lapse itself.”
That last sentence is the one that saves lives. A family whose response to honesty is rage teaches
concealment, and concealment is what turns a lapse into a full return to use.
8. Consequences
Consequences must be agreed in advance, proportionate, and actually enforceable.
Bad: “If you use again you leave this house forever.” Nobody enforces this, everyone knows it, and
its emptiness devalues every other rule.
Better: a graded response, written down.
| Situation | Agreed response |
|---|---|
| Missed an aftercare session | Discussed at the weekly check-in; rescheduled that week |
| Repeated missed sessions | Counsellor contacted; structure reviewed |
| Broke a money rule | Cash arrangements return to the previous stage for one month |
| A lapse, disclosed honestly | Contact the centre; increase support; no punishment for honesty |
| A lapse, concealed | Formal family meeting with the counsellor; structure tightened |
| Substance use in the home | The non-negotiable applies — with the agreed practical consequence stated |
Write only consequences you will actually apply. One unenforced consequence undermines the entire
document.
9. Review dates
Fixed review at 1 month, 3 months and 6 months. At each review the rules loosen if things are
going well. That progression is what makes the agreement bearable — the person can see the path back
to full autonomy.
Write what will change at each review:
“At three months, if there has been no lapse and aftercare has been attended, Ramesh holds his own
bank card and the daily cash rule ends.”
How to negotiate it
The person in recovery must have real input. A contract handed to them is a set of orders. Ask
what they think is fair, what they think is unnecessary, and what would help them most. Some of what
they suggest will be better than what you wrote.
Expect disagreement about money and phone. These are the two areas people feel most controlled
by. Negotiate the review dates rather than the principle.
Keep it to two pages. Longer documents are not read.
Everyone signs and everyone gets a copy. Keep one on the wall of a shared room if the household
is comfortable with that — visible rules are followed more than filed ones.
Write it in the language the family actually speaks. A document in formal Nepali or in English
that half the household reads with difficulty is decoration.
What not to put in it
- Anything about feelings. “You must be more respectful” is unenforceable.
- Anything monitoring another adult’s every movement. Constant surveillance produces the
behaviour it fears. - Anything you cannot enforce.
- Anything humiliating. Rules that shame — announcing the person’s status to relatives, removing
adult privileges without a review date — damage recovery. - Threats about property, inheritance or marriage. These belong in a different conversation, if
anywhere.
When it is not working
If the agreement is being ignored: the rules were probably too many, too tight, or imposed
without agreement. Rewrite it with fewer, better rules rather than adding more.
If the family is not keeping its own commitments: address this openly at the check-in. A family
that breaks its side has no standing to enforce the other.
If the person refuses to engage at all: that is information. Talk to the treatment centre or an
aftercare counsellor about it rather than escalating rules unilaterally.
If enforcement is causing serious conflict or any risk of violence: stop and get professional
help immediately. A written contract cannot manage a situation that has become unsafe. Contact the
treatment centre, a counsellor, or the police if anyone is at risk of harm.
A short template
“`
FAMILY RECOVERY AGREEMENT
Date: __ Review dates: 1 month __ 3 months _ 6 months _
Our shared goal:
Non-negotiables (max 5):
1. _ 2. _ 3. ____
Daily structure:
Wake ___ Meals together ___ Home by ___ Work/study hours ___
Household responsibilities: ________
Money:
Cash held by _ until . Daily amount: _
Purchases over discussed first. Debt plan: ______
Aftercare:
Sessions: __ Attended with: __ Counsellor contact: ____
The family commits to:
1. _ 2. _ 3. ____
If a lapse happens:
Tell _ within _ hours. We will contact ____.
Honesty will not be punished.
Consequences (agreed in advance):
Signed: __ __ __
“`
Frequently asked questions
Is a written agreement necessary if we all understand each other?
Memory is unreliable and emotion rewrites it. Written agreements are for the difficult weeks, not the
easy ones.
What if the person refuses to sign?
Ask what they would sign. A shorter agreement that everyone accepts is far more useful than a
complete one that one person rejects.
Should children be involved?
Young children, no. Older teenagers living in the home can be told the parts that affect them, in
age-appropriate terms.
How long should the agreement last?
Most rules should have loosened substantially by six months, with the check-in continuing longer.
Recovery is measured in years; a household under emergency rules for years is not sustainable.
Can we write this without a counsellor?
Yes, and it is better with one — particularly for the lapse plan and the consequences section, where
families tend to be either too harsh or too vague.
Related: The First Week Home After Rehab ·
The Weekly Family Check-In Meeting
